Ambivalence is My Middle Name

It’s funny how I don’t feel like updating here anymore. Every day several times a day I think, “Hey! That would make for a great blog post!” and then? Seriously. I haven’t written a great blog post since never. Speaking of which, I started blogging August 2005.

I have no idea why I brought that up since it’s October somethingorother. Which also reminds me, I won’t be participating in NaBloMo or whatever it’s called.

Did I just hear a collective sigh of relief?

My daughter still hasn’t pooped in the potty but she’s not holding it for five days at a stretch, either. She keeps telling me “next time”. In an uncharactheristic move, she also pissed her pants while sitting on my glider-rocker. As I was stripping her down for a quick belly-button-on-down bath, I asked why she did it.

“It was an accident, Mommy! I’m sorry.” …. dramatic pause … I love you.”

I bought a couple tuttu skirts from Target thinking they’d be a novelty. However, Aitch has become so enamoured with them, I went and bought a couple more. She has worn one at least every day now. When it’s cooler, she’ll succumb to the addition of leggings, but it’s like trying to wrestle a cat into a pillowcase.

I went back for a three-month follow-up appointment with my PA. I need a refill of the paxil and ambien. The thing is is that I didn’t really want a refill of the ambien because I was anticipating my evenings just so I could TAKE the ambien. He said as long as I’m able to get up in the morning and feel rested that I’m taking it as I should. And then we talked more about my depression. Actually he asked why I thought I was depressed. I told him I wasn’t really sure, but that maybe it was the miscarriages and infertility or the pregnancy with Aitch that I was sure was going to end with a dead baby and then the loss of my job after ten years and then the cancer. Oh, and let’s not forget my son’s ADHD which makes him do things that make me so angry at everyone and everything that I’m sure my fury will result in one of those rare cases of spontaneous combustion and the only thing that will be left will be a pair of hopefully fabulous shoes and a singe mark on the ceiling.

I’m sorry. What was the question again?

He suggested, as many of you did, I seek counseling. I told him I would think about it, because you see I am still in denial. Enough so I didn’t pick up my refill of paxil and ambien. At least not yet.

7 thoughts on “Ambivalence is My Middle Name”

  1. Try therapy. I think a lot of the studies show that a combo of therapy and meds for depression are more effective treatment. Plus as Anna said, it’s nice to have someone to talk through stuff who is an outsider to the whole situation.

  2. I would go to therapy, but I can’t afford it and I also realize that I’d be required to shower and leave the house. How’s that for depression? Jeez. I think you are onto something, though. You have a lot weighing on you – it may be that medication isn’t the answer. But therapy probably is.

  3. Yeah, I was thinking about my stress levels the other day. I should be dead of a heart attack by now. Go get your prescriptions.

  4. Going to a therapist when I was in a deep depression years ago helped me immensely. The first one I had wasn’t so great but I really connected with the second therapist I found. It took a lot of time (years) to work through things but now that I look back on it, I know it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. You have to be ready to do it though, or else it isn’t likely to help much.

  5. I feel the same way about the blogging. (Mine, not yours). Also, I don’t take ambien but I find myself sometimes being excited about taking a benadryl at bedtime so I can go to sleep.

  6. I’m sending you a big hug right now. I know the feelings – I’m there.

    For what it’s worth, I’ve been seeing a therapist almost weekly for years and I find it helpful to just talk to someone completely unrelated to all of my problems – they don’t see it as whining or complaining.

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