Category Archives: Baby Traps

EITHER URINE OR UROUT

tub-peeI presented the following scenario on both twitter and facebook, so this may be old hat to many of you.

You run a bath for your baby – in the big tub, mind you. You strip baby and put her in the tub. Instantly, a cloud of pale yellow emits from you child’s nethers.

It happened to me the other night. No, it wasn’t ME that peed in the tub, but ZGirl. I’m sure I probably said “shoot” (or something similar), but then “meh” and let her play before finally shampooing her. I never gave it another thought when later I kissed her or blew rasperries into her tummy. Until now and I’m a bit squicked out.

Be that as it may.

Now poop and vomit? That’s entirely different. I’ve had to bleach the tub on more than one occasion from past incidents (after I’ve removed the baby).

Pray, what would do, or even better, what will you admit to?

Postscipt: here’s a comment on my facebook page by the venerable OvaGirl in response to a “stain” appearing in the tub that makes me giggle each time I read it:

Also, are we definite that it’s pee? You say “stain” in quotation marks like maybe it’s not a stain, like maybe it’s the halo of the Virgin Mary who’s making a rare appearance to…I don’t know…foretell the end of the world or alternatively offer to babysit. In which case, we simply move baby to one side because she’s sitting on VM’s head.

 

(Flickr image by RCP Family)

I SHALL NAME HIM “LOUIS VUITTON”

Have you seen the headlines that are making a hullabaloo about “designer babies”?

Huh. I’m still waiting for the moment I feel shocked and outraged as most will and do.

Selecting desirable traits during IVF/PGD has been going on since PGD has been available. Sure, it’s not used to narrow down a potential baby’s physical traits like being blond and blue-eyed. That’s being done when couples select their donor, whether it’s egg or sperm. Or hey, when two people of opposite sex who are actually both fair-haired and light-eyed actually create their own baby without IVF!

We got our blue-eyed, blond-haired baby. Of course it was purely coincidental and might be because I went down to the street kiosk and got myself a knock-off Designer Baby (made of genuine pleather, I assure you) by some fast-talking charlatan. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.

Selection of  “desirable” traits via ART is certainly nothing new. When Mr. DD and I first were faced with using donor sperm, we both knew that we wanted to find someone who was similar to Mr. DD in height, weight, eye color, hair color, and yes, ancestry. When we then traveled the donor egg road, even though our ability to select characteristics was extremely limited, we had a preference then, too.

Isn’t it what all parents want: a child that looks a certain way or has certain abilities? One of the physicians interviewed stated that parents may end up putting unrealistic expectations on children that they selected to be either more athletic or more intelligent, but ended up with something other. I can tell you from experience that while I had hoped XBoy would have ended up with his father’s athleticism and my mental abilities – albeit limited on both parts – he did not on either front. Much like I had hoped he’d have ended up with Mr. DD’s green eyes and wavy hair and my build. Again, not so much. But do I love him less? In fact, I love him more because I learn so much each time we discover something new.

I would also have to argue that man has been doing this long before he even became man. If all cavewomen had been a little more particular about their men hundreds of thousands of years ago (or six thousand, depending on your view of evolution), we wouldn’t have men today with hairy butts and fuzzy backs, and the cursed unibrow would have gone the way of dinosaurs (when Jesus was taming them). Trust me, my ancestors must not have been too particular in their own selection of mates.

These Designer Babies will be geared towards the rich, as stated in the article. So what? If nothing else, we all know that a child can be given literally everything in their young lives necessary to become productive assets in today’s society and still end up splashed across the front page of some tabloid passed out in their own vomit with no panties on or dead from an accidental overdose. It’s not like in 500 years Designer Babies will become mute and child-like while the loud, ugly sub-humans live underground feeding on their tasty white flesh. And if it does? Obviously then their plan will have backfired.

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Those with the cash can go right ahead and put in their orders with absolutely no guarantee that they will get what they want in a baby (much less even get pregnant (unless they are using Nadja’s miracle RE)), but ultimately any children are judged not on their appearance or physical prowess, but by whether or not they are decent human beings.

JUDO CHOP

Last night, Mr. DD went into her room to get the eye drops for ZGirl’s pink eye. He calls out to the living room where I’m feeding her, “where’s the medicine?” I don’t answer because hell, it’s right on top of her changing table, he just needs to look.

A couple minutes later he comes out with a bottle of medicine in his hand. I hold ZGirl, face up, who is now asleep so Mr. DD can administer the drops. He opens her eye, squeezes the bottle, and when the first drop comes out and hits her eye, I gave a shout. ZGirl wakes instantly and starts screaming. It wasn’t her eye drops, but peroxide for ear wax removal and he had just put it in her eye. I knew by the appearance of the clear drops that he didn’t have the right stuff. Her medicine is milky white.

We called poison control who told us to flush her eye out with a  continuous gentle stream of warm water for 15 minutes. We took turns holding her over the kitchen sink doing so while she cried and cried and cried.

I wanted to punch Jerry right in the neck after that. How damn hard would it have been to make sure that the bottle was for eye drops? Jeezus.

ETA: I sent this as an email to my sister who replied that she’s heard of this kind of stuff happening before: an easy mistake. It doesn’t make me want to smack Mr. DD any less, I’ll tell you that much right now.

I LIKE/DON’T LIKE

When I finally ended up purchasing a diaper pail, I ended up with one of those filtered ones (First Years CleanAir). I’m still not sure what to think about it.

1) Why is it so damn small? I mean, it barely holds a dozen diapers, and they’re not BIG diapers.

2) The lid is a PITRA (Pain In The Royal Ass). If you don’t lift the lid ALL the way up, the mechanism that drops the diaper down inside doesn’t work right.

3) Inexperienced users end up shutting it off when they try to use it the first (or second and third) time – like our babysitter and grandma, because the power button is easily mistaken as a release for the lid.

I can’t recommend it, but we’ll keep it.

One of my favorite purchases is the mesh bumper on the crib. With ZGirl being a tummy sleeper, it’s more likely for her to smoosh her face into the bumper, and it has happened. The mesh bumpers aren’t just mesh, either. They are actually padded so while she may be mooshing her face, at least she’s not imprinting the slats of the crib into her head. My only complaint witht them is their limited color palette: white, yellow, baby blue and pale pink. Blah.

So now I need your opinion. I’m looking for a convertible carseat to replace our infant carrier. I want something that will work from infant to 60+ pounds. I’ve already checked consumer reports, but their data is rather dated. What have you heard or had success with and why?

IT’S YOUR FAULT

Yes, it is.

It’s your fault that ZGirl is still not eating solids regularly. You told me not to stress about it when I tried it back when she had her four month check up and at that time, I couldn’t even get her to take a bottle, much less get a spoon past those bionic, toothless gums of hers. That’s when you all said, “don’t worry!” “it can wait!” “try again later!”. Stink eye to all of you.

We’ll manage to get a couple of spoonfuls of cereal in her mouth before she closes the mouth factory without so much as a second chance. Regardless of how many stupid ass faces we make like little birds in hopes that she will mimic us, we end up looking quite ridiculous and she ends up looking at us like we are Nadja Suleman incarnates.

Oh, now, don’t think it’s because she’s not interested in what’s going on at the dinner table.

One day as she was playing in her bouncer and I was sitting on the floor next to her eating a chocolate chip cookie, she suddenly stopped her manic dance and without blinking, watched as the cookie went to my mouth and back down again. “You want a taste?” I asked, and held the cookie to her mouth. She licked. She liked, and she licked some more.

I quickly finished the cookie. I’m not one to share my sweets.

I have purchased those silly puff things that come in different flavors, including peach and sweet potato. I tried the sweet potato and while she tolerated it, she didn’t go all out. I then tried the peach, just to see if it was the texture of the flavor that she didn’t care for. It’s not the texture.

Guess who has a sweet tooth (teeth, since she has two now)?

Yup.

XBoy was finishing off big jars of baby food at her age, which is now just a few days out of seven whole months.

By the way, while ZGirl isn’t loving the solids, you should see the little shit pull herself up to a standing position.

*help*

B.M.

The B does not stand for Bowel, but there is certainly Movement.

Let me just say this: I have ducktape and I’m not afraid to use it.

ducktape-babe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before any one thinks about siccing CPS on me, this is not ZGirl, OK? Plus, I wouldn’t tape her to my walls. It’d ruin my paint.

IS IT A COINCIDENCE THAT “CRAFT” SOUNDS A LOT LIKE “CRAP”?

I’m kinda crafty. Did you know that? But, I hate complicated directions and measuring and if I think a project will take me longer than one afternoon to finish? Forget it.

Imagine if Martha Stewart and the Cable Guy had a love child. That’s me in the crafting department.

An example: I did not waste money this time around with matchy-matchy bedding and wallpaper and deco for ZGirl’s room. XBoy had all that and wow, what a waste of cash that was considering it could have been spent on formula or diapers. His $300 set included a crib skirt and what a pain in the ass it was. I figured I could whip one up for ZGirl, but it had to meet two important criteria: cheap and easy. Because that’s how I roll.

Let me show you just how cheap and easy it was.

First I needed some fabric. To figure how much you need, just measure the side(s) of the crib you want a skirt on and either double or triple the length, depending on how much “ruffle” you want. I only wanted it on the front and I used double.

skirt-mosaicAlso, since we are talking cheap, I took into account that most bolts of fabric are 54 inches wide. If I was to cut it in half, it would be plenty long enough to reach from the bottom of the mattress to the floor. So, in my case, I bought 1 1/3 yards of fabric. About eight bucks.

Starting at top left: (Fig. 1) a before shot of the front of ZGirl’s crib. I keep a roll of trash liners and a storage bin under her crib. Not attractive. (Fig’s. 2-3) here’s the fabric  (54″ long x 48″ wide) before and after cutting. Once cut in a two, I put the right sides together and sewed a seam (Fig. 4).

Next is where my one-afternoon-project plan went to crap.

(Fig. 5) is a close up of the sewing foot lock that I broke when I went to replace the button foot with the regular foot. Why did I break it? See Fig. 6. (Fig. 6) shows that to release the foot, I’m to push IN the lever, not DOWN. It helps to read instructions if in doubt.

(Fig. 7) New lock is in place. Sewn seam is now ironed flat. Next my bottom hem is sewn. (Fig. 8). Since I have plenty of fabric  went with  pretty heavy hem – 3″. But here’s where my pension for not measuring stuff comes into play. Since I didn’t “square” my fabric, I just used the pattern itself as my guide. (Fig. 9) this shows how I used the brown flowers in the pattern to make a straight hem across the bottom.

We’re in the home stretch now. (Fig. 10) I need a large pocket for Fig. 11 (big enough to run small plumbing tubing through), so I just used a Sharpie to mark my guide on the sewing machine, again using the pattern as a guide. (Fig. 11) is a picture of left-over tubing that I cut to equal the width of the front of my crib. If you’re doing three sides, it’s flexible enough for that as well.

Finally, (Fig. 12), after feeding the tube through the second hem I had sewn in Fig. 10, I simply used masked tape on each end to keep it from slipping off. Note that I didn’t bother hemming the sides.

Now, all I had to do was stuff the fabric covered tubing under the crib mattress.

crib-skirt-finalThe results? Well, I have to say, I think it looks pretty damn good considering that my out of pocket expenses were less than $8 (not taking into consideration the $20 for the broken lock) and time was under 45 minutes (again, not counting the day lost to aforementioned broken lock).

The beauty of this project is that you don’t even need a sewing machine. You can use fabric glue or the ironing strips or hell, you can even use an old table runner and safety pin it…

Granted, this post has nothing on Music Mondays or Wordless Wednesdays or Photo Phridays, but hey, it’s more family friendly than me calling someone the C-bomb or threatening violence, right?

HALF OF THIS AND SIX OF THAT

Pharmacist vs. Physician.

Ok, here’s the poop.

First of all, it had nothing to do with a medication that is to be taken at night or day or with food or without food. I used that example because I didn’t want to give specifics since your responses might be less partial.

We have started XBoy on ADHD meds.

There. I said it.

You have no idea how we agonized over the decision, including whether or not we should have waited or started it sooner.

We followed a course that led us to making what we now believe was the best choice for him, which started with seeing the pediatrician, a counselor, a psychologist, teachers, and principal and yet another pediatrician. He had counseling. We had counseling. He had testing.

We tried punishments, rewards systems, fish oil. We did not try diet modification as we cannot realistically maintain a particular diet for a child who spends a majority of the day NOT in our home.

And so, we are here. Treating a child with stimulants to help him focus. To help him excel in school work. To help him create and sustain friendships with his peers.

There’s more. So much more…but I myself am drained of energy and motivation and only now, with just a few minutes before I must go to pick up ZGirl from daycare, do I allow myself to elaborate more on why I think pharmacists are a royal pain in my ass.

The second pediatrician we saw specializes in behavioral issues. He examined the reports by the psychologist and LMHP. He talked with XBoy. He talked with me. He did not talk TO us, and for that I was incredibly appreciative. He recommended that XBoy start The Patch (which reminds me of another story I must share with you).

He specifically  said to cut the patch in half . When my husband went to pick up the script, the pharmacist specifically  said NOT to cut the patch in half; however, she did say it was OK to remove half the backing and apply.

Think about that for a moment and tell me if that makes any bit of sense at all.

When I googled it (of course I did before I did anything else), I realized why the pharmacist may have thought she was giving Mr. DD good info. It’s because she thought the patches still looked like this:

daytrana-old

But in fact, they have since altered the design and now they look more like this:

daytrana-new

As you can see, the old design was more like a bandaid: adhesive on the outside, med in the middle. You cut that and well, yes, you alter the delivery. The new version is in fact designed so that the med is actually embedded into the adhesive from edge to edge. Cutting the first one in half could actually cause “leeching” (which, again, would then make no sense to only remove half the barrier).

My husband took the side of the pharmacist. I obviously, did not. Now if the doctor did not specifically say we could cut it in half, I would have followed the pharmacist’s instructions. I even mentioned this to our regular pediatrician who said quite bluntly that it’s all a matter of money. 10 – 20mg patches are cheaper than 20 – 10mg patches.

Of course.

Then to top it off? My husband, who then had to return to the pharmacist a couple days later to pick up ZGirl’s script for her ear infection did not ask, nor was reminded, to add flavoring. Therefore, the next day, after I had given one dose to ZGirl, I had returned to the pharmacist to have them add the flavoring, I was told that there was no way for them to calculate how much flavoring to now add since I had already used some.

Me? Not happy. At all.

Seriously. Simple algebra would have solved that problem. Rx mg – %mg = Flvr mg – %mg. Duh.

Speaking of which, do you think that when X-amount of medicine is to be distributed they take into account that a baby will spit out approximately 50% after they’ve fooled you into thinking they swallowed so you move the wash cloth away from their face? Because I’m pretty sure that at least that much has ended up on my face, clothes, carpet and sleepers. And that shit doesn’t wash out.

GIVE AWAY

I found out a couple years ago that organizations that accept donated items will not take baby bottles due to hygienic concerns, rightfully so. Unfortunately I found out when I had loaded up all the baby items I had been holding onto “just in case” and dropped them off at Salvation Army. The employee who helped me unload them explained it to me and said not to worry about it since they would just throw it all away. Seemed a shame, really, but what else could I do?

Since we had to experiment with different bottles and nipples with ZGirl, we found ourselves with lots of extra supplies as manufacturers rarely package items in singles. I’m faced again with trying to figure out what to do with the items we never used, pictured below.

2009-016

Besides opening the packages and attempting to feed ZGirl or get her to accept a pacifier (which she never did), these are all new and sterilized.

Would any one be able to use any of these items? Free, including shipping, anywhere. Take your pick or the whole lot, either way it has to be better than throwing them all away. Comment or email: punchdrunk (at) rocketmail (dot) com.

A SNOW LEOPARD THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE FROM THE BRONX

You be the judge. Either this carseat cozy, cover, bunting, etc., is very Rock-n-Roll or very Fran Drescher. It could easily go either way since on the first day I used it to take ZGirl to daycare, another Mom went ga-ga over it. Now while I should always take a compliment at face value, I question her taste since she named her daughter after the female NASCAR driver, Youknowwho.

1110-snuzzler1

1110-snuzzler-41

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A poll:

Carseat cover: R&R or The Nanny?
( polls)

WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE HORMONAL GOOSE

XBoy: Did you color your hair?

Me: Yes.

XBoy: Did you want it to be orange?

Me: *groan*

I didn’t think it looked too bad, but I noticed a bit of “brassiness” to the color, also, especially at the roots. She slopped my head with color first and then came in with highlights. My prior stylist never let color touch my scalp. The new gal, while not bad, wasn’t great. After these family pictures are over and done with, I plan on cutting off my hair. I may just suck it up and go back to my regular stylist.

I have ordered a car seat cozy/cover/bunting/thingymabob. I’ll do a big reveal once I get it.

Since I’ve been blogging, I’ve seen an incredible array of crazy products supposedly designed for babies. Wait, they are actually designed for the parents and their tenterhook hold upon their sanity. And while I was convinced these products were also designed for parents with “sucker” tattooed to their foreheads, I’m rethinking my stance now that I have ZGirl. A reflection of great marketing or utter exhaustion? You be the judge.

For instance, who could forget the Zaky?

babys_zaky21

(um, baby #4 seems to be enjoying Zaky a bit too much…)

Wouldn’t a cotton glove filled with soybeans work just as well? Perfect for the baby who sleeps like the dead when in the sweaty, uncomfortable grasp of an adult, but wakes the moment their butt hits the sweet comfort of a mattress.

I could have used a Thudguard with XBoy, aka Gargantuan Head, when he started walking.

order_img21

ZGirl appears to have inherited her father’s cranial dimensions so I just may need to pick me up one of these, weird mouse-like ears and all.

Don’t want to waste precious gas on taking your baby for a drive to help her fall asleep? Well, then, you need to get yourself a Lullabub!

 home-lullabub2

The “Lullabub” is an innovative product that will gently rock a cot automatically & unassisted, in a harmonic rhythm to naturally soothe & settle babies to sleep. Helping the parent attend to other duties or catch up on some much needed and well deserved REST.

Admittedly I am a bit confused on what these contraptions must do to simulate the motions of a mother’s womb, one of the four preset motions, because you see, at 8 1/2 months, the only movement I was creating was the one where I lugged my oversized ass out of my chair to go sit on the toilet to pee and then vice versa.

Finally, we have baby clothing. They are designed with pockets! And zippered flies! And button closures (I saw the an adorable one-piece at Gap. The crotch? Instead of the normal snaps? Buttons. Buttons, people! Me thinks not.)! So I guess the items from The Dirty Birdie shouldn’t surprise me.

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Now I pride myself on the fact I don’t like to take my kids into public looking as if we just stepped out of our Papst-strewn yard of the trailer park, so I would have a hard time with this. On the other hand, I’ve never seen a onesie stained this way. As anyone who has ever dressed their baby in a white onesie can attest, stains of this color normally are limited to the bottom half and to the back-side…if they are incredibly lucky.

This coming from someone who had to wash the straps of ZGirl’s carseat because of one particularly violent and disasterous butt explosion.

You gotta love those manufacturers who take advantage of the hormonally overloaded, credit-card carrying, have-to-have-one-of-everything, sleep-deprived mothers, don’t you?

BABY, IT’S COLD OUTSIDE

I’m done trying to find a fleece- or sherpa-lined infant car seat cover on-line. One that has a cover for the face. One that just simply slips over the car seat and stays on via the elastic edging. One that isn’t either camo patterned or covered in pink hearts.

Can anyone tell me where to find one? Am I using the wrong search terms (infant, car, seat, cover, cozy, fleece)? Is the whole internet fucking with me?

Please? Anyone? I don’t want to deal with a pain-in-the-ass bunting outfit.

BRAIN DRAIN

I have three pair (pairs?) of GAP maternity pants, size 8 regular, one brown, and two tan/khaki, to give away to the first to call dibs. I kept them after I had ZGirl since my “awning” of an abdomen didn’t fit into anything else. Now that I take little time to do the things I should in my day, like eat, I would like to see them go to a good home.

Why are pants, jeans, slacks, etc., called “pairs” anyway? And underwear?

You know what’s worse than McDonald’s fries? Cold McDonald’s fries. Which is why I prefer the apple slices. Unfortunately, while I’m supposed to provide nutritional substitutes to my child and set good examples, substituting the fries on an adult meal for apples is a no-no.

I’ve decided to stop stressing about breastfeeding for the long haul. You are right. I did the best I could and if she has to have formula at daycare because I can’t get enough pumped, so be it.

While I like the playtex bottles with the drop-ins (I especially like how quickly they can be heated up in warm water), the measurements on them are shit. Today I used a sharpie to mark the outside of the bottle while I poured two ounces of water at a time in the drop-in sleeve so the care-givers can more accurately report what she takes in a day.

Don’t get the swing/bouncy seat combo. There’s no toy bar. OK, there’s a toy bar but it may as well be tacked to the ceiling as high up as it is. Completely out of reach of the baby’s hands. So now I have the fancy swing/bouncy seat combo that looks aesthetically pleasing in my living room when what she really likes is the tacky $20 bouncy seat with the primary colored toys.

When it comes to providing activities for baby, KISS, KISS, KISS: Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Which is why I let her play with the crinkly plastic wrapper from one of my decorated sugar cookies. Next toy on the horizon? The shipping box from diapers.com.

I think this item is sweet in its optimism

Prescription for Fulfillment Charm Bracelet
Prescription for Fulfillment Charm Bracelet

…but this one really speaks to the snarky, bitter bitch in me because I’d like to get one for Mrs. Duggar and all her fellow uberfertiles.

Birth Control Charm Bracelet
Birth Control Charm Bracelet

What random bit of crap would you like to share with me today?

GETTING BETTER

As I was watching ZGirl winding herself up out of either boredom, exhaustion or hunger, it suddenly occurred to me that her mode of locomotion reminded me of Elaine’s dance on Seinfeld. All hurky-jerky with the spastic leg kicks that come from muscle contractions going off like a year old bag of popcorn.

I’m also quite envious of her ab strength. Can you lay on the floor and without any kind of outward exertion, lift both feet and legs straight up? If you can, good for you and for the record, I hate you.

She’s in the best mood in the morning. A dead give-away that she’s can’t possibly have any biological connection to me. She actually will play very quietly and happily for a while before letting out a sqwak that she wants to be fed, and even then, we can leisurely change her diaper and play for a few minutes as she gets absolutely giddy once she is put on the changing table. Really. GIDDY. To see her at those moments is visual caffeine for us.

The caveat is that those smiles that you can’t help but smile back to? They are not reserved for just Mom, Dad and big brother. I’ve caught her smiling broadly at the ceiling fans, recessed lights, and the pattern of her bassinet fabric.

Bottle feeding is coming along albeit slowly. Mr. DD has the hardest time. I can usually get her to start once she gets distracted by the bathroom fan and the bright lights above the mirror. My husband had the nerve to tell me that daycare won’t be turning on fans or running water to get her to take a bottle. My response? Why the hell not. I’ll even bet the care giver will change her shitty diapers!

In closing, I am reviewing* two items baby-related. One will get a thumbs up, the other, a thumbs down. First the down:

The Kiddopatomus swaddler. Diaper changes are difficult and after you have the baby locked down by all that velcro, once you figure out the schematics of its NASA-like design, getting it back open, especially if you don’t want to disturb the baby encased inside, is difficult. The overly large patches of velcro are noisy and godforbid you accidentally let a patch of hook land on a non-corresponding patch of eye. You’ll end up with a baby sized Chinese finger puzzle.

For the thumbs up? I really love the Halo sleepsack blanket. Since it’s sleeveless, the baby’s arms won’t disappear inside the sack (I use long-sleeved onesies to keep ZGirl’s arms comfortable). The v-neck means no bunching up under the chin, and the zip from the top to the bottom means the zipper tab won’t be under her chin, either. If I had one complaint about it (and to be frank, I have one complaint about everything), it’s that I have never understood why manufacturers put the soft, comfy side on the OUTSIDE of the garment, instead of the inside. Sure I love the pelt-like feel of the Halo, but petting the baby isn’t necessarily conducive to either of us getting much sleep.

* My reviews are a free service of this blog. I guess if you need to shop for either yourself or a friend, you may as well take advantage of my hit and miss nature.