Category Archives: IUIs (Sparring Matches)

no. 465 – That Was One Hell of a Hump

Yesterday was a B-A-D day. It sucked, quite frankly. I had to open up my own site and look at my son’s picture multiple times to keep me from running from the building into the rain and never looking back. I blame the hormonal let-down combined with the ‘roids.

Of course it didn’t help that at one of my meetings I noticed the woman across the table from me sitting peculiarly, with her arms akimbo. Jesusonaritz! She’s pregnant! Nothing extraordinary about that, except she just had a baby born in August. Clearly she was 5-6 months along already.

I had a friend with a very colorful personality when I was living in Kansas who had a quaint saying for women like that: She didn’t sleep with her feet in no bucket.

Couple that with the attendance of my sweet, caring ER doctor, Dr. Marathon, who pulled me aside at the end of the meeting to ask how my ultrasound had went…

Yes, today I would have been scheduled for my 6 week ultrasound. Good thing I had that 3rd beta because the requisite freakingthefuckout would have already begun with all the bleeding I’d been doing for the past 36 hours. Because he was sincerely moved by my bad news whispered discreetly back to him, I had to quickly excuse myself to go sob in the bathroom.

When I got back to my office I then had to shut the door because I was a mess, complete with the blubbering, sniffling and snot draining.

As I was getting ready for bed, it started all over again. Mr. DD, bless his heart, even went ahead and mounted the under-cabinet radio I got for him for Father’s Day (he found it "hidden" in the garage). Major truce move since this morning he announced he didn’t like it because it had to be bolted to the cabinets. Well, duh.

He then came in to the bedroom and sat down next to me. The room was already dark, so I watched his silhouette as he said to me:

You cannot let it get to you, this business of being angry at every pregnant woman you see. If you do, it will eat you alive. If all you do is think about them, then you are not thinking of X, and when we get all done with this, he will have grown up without you.

Not only was that the sweetest blow I’ve had to the stomach lately, but it also echoed something someone else just recently wrote me in an email.

The control I so desperately want on my life is swirling the drain. While I wait for a donor, I think I’ll find a tampon or a drain plug and try to stem that flow. This bullshit has got to stop!

By the way, if you notice the time of this post? After two full days without hives, I woke up at 3:00ish to pee and was attacked by another round, this time on my elbows, buttocks and the back of my thighs. It looks like I’ll be getting some refills before heading to the beach NEXT SATURDAY!!!!!!

no. 460 – Moving On in a Manic-Kind-of-Way

I’m feeling better, relatively speaking. My ass is a little sore from kicking myself for doing something no infertile woman who has a history of miscarriages should do, and that was calculating the due date. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. February 8, 2008, in case you were wondering.

Speaking of miscarriages, to clarify, this was my fourth. Sorry for the confusion. I have the category for fifth pregnancy as I am giving credit to that time when I was fertile, had a normal pregnancy and gave birth to my son, X. Can you believe that when I started blogging he was three? He’s now five. How time flies when you’re having spontaneous abortions. A rather gruesome thought, no?

When I talked to Dr. Blinksalot on Tuesday, she said that she and all of the staff were quite upset by this sad turn of events. I’ve become the office underdog. I wish I could say that it would boost my rank from the bottom to closer to the top of the donor egg list.

I have to admit that I really thought karma was on our side this time, as I know you did, too. Mr. DD’s count was back up. I had several good follicles. What you probably didn’t know is that we had used up all of our injectables, even the PIO. Surely that should have been a sign that we would need no more? I guess that was karma’s way of not only administering a judo chop to the side of my head but giving me an atomic wedgie. I won’t need much for a donor egg cycle, either.

Speaking of such, I wondered how easy it would be to find information on becoming an egg donor so of course I googled “become an egg donor” and some of the stuff I found gave me the huzz, quite frankly. This site in particular because of their “glamour shots” of donors in combination with the ages. 20, 21, 22? As nice as I’m sure their eggs are, I kind of like the policy my clinic follows and that is they want their donors to have already had “normal” children. These 20-somethings are still children, in my opinion. I’m old enough to be their mother. Hmmm, now there’s a cheery thought.

Many of you offered a hand in helping me if there was anything I needed. I thought of something some of you might actually be able to do. If you know someone who may qualify as an egg donor with our clinic (late 20’s, early 30’s, have completed their family, and an understanding that becoming an egg donor will not pay the kids’ college tuition, and live in either Nebraska or Iowa) maybe you can suggest they check out this site for more details. My clinic is the first one (hint, hint).

Yes, I am pandering for eggs. I will what is in my powers to do.

Segway of sorts. Have you all seen this??! My husband thought we should get one and use it. I said we’ve already paid hundreds and hundreds of dollars to know that my FSH is crap, and his motility is crap, so why would I pay another $100 to confirm that? Especially since it’s all irrelevant as we move on to Plan K, Subsection 42, Paragraph 3 that theoretically eliminates the crap? I did however, share the website with someone I know trying to get pregnant…

Before I go, I want to thank Mel and her husband for sending us flowers when you heard of our recent loss. I had them delivered to me at work. The lilies fill the hallway with their heavy, summer scent.

no. 457 – Again

Today I had my blood drawn to check my progesterone since I was told to discontinue the PIO temporarily. That’s what I was told last Thursday. When I asked about another beta, they said it wouldn’t be necessary.

I second-guessed that decision up until 30 minutes before my draw when I called the clinic to ask them to add the beta to the orders.

I had almost convinced myself that with the numbers looking good from last week, and an ultrasound coming up next week, I could blissfully go about my days admiring how full my breasts seem to have gotten compared to when I was pregnant with Wolf and that all the mild cramping were signs of something growing.

Apparently I have Pseudocyesis.

The clinic agreed to add the beta to the order.

My beta on Thursday was 100.

Today it was 125.

Pregnancy No. 5 will be ending about the time I leave for my vacation, if not while on vacation.

Pregnancy no. 5 will be ending around Wolf’s due date.

Happy 40th Birthday to me.

Fuck you, God.

no. 451 – Remember

It’s Memorial Weekend here in the US. It’s the weekend set aside to commemorate the US armed forces killed in war. Many will visit the family cemeteries and place flowers on grave sites. My mother will make several trips this weekend with wreaths of plastic flowers in unnatural colors to different plots and remember. Many others will watch the parade, cook out and here in the Midwest, the water park and swimming pools open for the sumer.

I will also go visit the cemetery that is home to the plot that holds the remains of the unborn babies that did not get their own headstone. Vivienne is there. Wolf is not. But I will bring two candles with me and try not to cry too much.

It is beautiful outside. Unusual for Memorial weekend which is usually marred by seasonal storms.

This weekend will also be the 10, 11 & 12 day post IUI. This cycle has already been decided, I just won’t know for sure what the results are for a couple more days. I’ve written a half-dozen posts in my head about how I will feel and do if it’s negative. It’s much easier to imagine it will be negative than positive. It goes with the odds, I guess.

I just know that right now I’m very tired, not physically, but mentally and spiritually. I keep thinking that some day I’ll wake up and the nightmare will be over.

no. 449 – Clarification

I’m using the cheapo tests right now because once they go negative, I will know that if I see that second line appear again next week that I’ll be one freaked out chica. Plus you will be stuck with me freaking out. But for now, I’m just checking their sensitivity, which quite frankly isn’t shit. I don’t care if it says "Sensitive to 25iu/ml".

For the record, there was no second line this morning. By the time I dig it out of the trash tonight (don’t judge me, you’d do the same), there will probably be a what I like to refer to as the HPT Tracer Line, desperation- and crazed-induced. Who needs ‘shrooms when one is infertile and half-way in a two-week wait?

I couldn’t do the PIO shot last night. No where to put the needle that wasn’t ablaze. I have a few left-over vaginal suppositories and progesterone cream. My feet were nice and soft this morning. We won’t discuss what the other area was like that received treatment.

Now that we hopefully got that cleared up I just wanted to add that my break would follow a negative outcome on this cycle and mostly continue until we got news of a donor egg match. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to just walk away for that long, but after reading this post, it might be for the best (not an indication of Ms. Prufrocks’ writing ability – which I must say rocks it, but the topic in general).

So until then I think I’ll get me one of these:

Cozyup Cozyfetal

The link to find your own is here (anyone able to interpret this? Nina? Kath? Ankaisa?), courtesy of some crazy, magical googling powers by Jenny. She finds some seriously freaky shit out there on the web.

no. 448 – Fair Warning

The tests have been positive.

Whoa! Whoa!

Before you get yourselves and your panties in a twist and either conveniently forget it’s been less than a week since the IUI and start making congratulatory remarks; or worse yet, unsubscribe from reading here, keep in mind that I’m just checking to see how well those dollar tests work on measuring the hCG in my system from the trigger.

The trigger shot that induces ovulation will stay in the system for approximately 10 days, which I very rudely remembered happening with Wolf.

The lines are faint, but there for now.

I’ve been thinking about what will happen if this cycle goes tits up. Of course the first thing we will do is get our name on the donor egg list, but between now and then? I don’t know. I’m considering taking a sabbatical from blogging, which would include reading and writing. I won’t feel like waxing philosophically about toilet paper habits of co-workers or sharing X blurbs or complaining about how my husband has done jack-shit about getting some things organized for my birthday (which will mean certain death and any and all the suggestions my family had about his carcass will be revisited).

Just thought you should know so you can find some other two-bit blog to occupy your time with over the summer.

Tonight is my third PIO injection. I really, really hate them. No. You don’t understand. I fucking loathe PIO injections with every ounce of my red, swollen and itchy-assed body.

no. 446 – Prostrate Specific Antigen & other PSAs.

A tick was found on the back of my son’s ear last night. I made him get out of bed so Mr. DD could pull it off and destroy it. It gave me quite the huzz and I swear I could hear the rrrripppp as he pulled it out. The site bled a little, too. When I told X that ticks eat blood, he asked, "Until I’m dead?"

Not surprisingly, he was in our bed early morn from nightmares.

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I’m not so sure about reader. google. It seems really slow on the update with some posts (like one to two full days compared to bloglines). I like how it flows from one post to another, but for me, since I have my bloglines sorted by category (which you can do with GR, too), it’s not uncommon to get kamikaze-ed by a pregnancy post directly after an announcement of an impending miscarriage post.

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I know of a lovely lady who has a cache of stims and related assortment of supplies she would like to get rid of at a significant discount (65% give or take). It includes the FSH and the pen, trigger and PIO with the earliest expiration Aug 08. Retail at the pharmacy would probably set you back a couple grand or more so if you think you’ll be cycling before next summer and want put the savings towards an outrageously priced stroller, which will most assuredly not only get puked – as well as pooped in and on – send me an email for details at ddknocked at yahoo dot com (email link is on the right, top sidebar).

I need someone to let me know before the end of my 2WW (June 3) so I’m not tempted to get them for myself.

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Lastly, but certainly not leastly:

Schmutzie from Milkmoney or Not received her diagnosis that started with an abnormal pap: cervical cancer.

I am completely blown away. Schmutzie is a writer, a photographer, and a poet; therefore when the rare post that pops up about vaginas, I’m taken aback and reminded that she is young woman and wife.

She has created a Cockroll as a symbol of the strength needed to take this journey. If you’re not quite what to say in her comments section, send her your cock.