Tag Archives: Ambien

It’s Been A Long Time Since I’ve Used “Penis” in a Post

I take an ambien every night. I have been for months. I fall asleep in a blink and then I sleep solidly until the alarm goes on in the morning. Even if I have to get up because I have to go to the bathroom or if Aitch is having a nightmare or if Doodicus is scared of a storm, I can always go right back to sleep. I love my ambien.

I recently had it refilled and while I dropped like a fly on Monday, Tuesday night I tossed and turned. I was awake more then I was asleep during the night. I ended up dropping Aitch off at school, coming home and sleeping for another three hours straight. Wednesday and Thursday (last night), I again struggled getting to sleep and woke with every snort, wheeze, and exhale from my husband, which eventually sent me to the silence of the couch. Still I tossed and turned. I also hadn’t been feeling well, waking with headaches and stomach cramps.

Last night, sometime around 3:00 a.m. I started wondering if I hadn’t got a bad batch of ambien with the recent refill. They couldn’t ALL be bad because Monday I had no problem with sleep. This morning I pulled the bottle of white pills from the cabinet and realized that for the past three nights I had been taking Paxil, an antidepressant and I had started and then stopped after a couple of months but hadn’t thrown out. It explained the headaches, cramping, even the jaw-clenching! Not to mention my inability to sleep.

Of course, it also explained how I was able to accept my mistake with little more than a “aw shucks!” kind of attitude, and why I am completely incapable of imagining a penis. Not that I’m always trying to imagine penises, but ADs really pulled the plug on my sex-drive and being unable to concoct any sexual imagery confirmed that I had been taking the wrong stuff. 

Thank goodness I had this week off from work or I’d be even a bigger wreck. I marked the Paxil lid and moved the bottle (I can’t bear the thought of disposing of them yet). Tonight, I will sleep.

In Sanity

I finally returned to see my PA for some pharmaceutical enlightenment. The good news is I apparently lost a couple of pounds since my visit a month ago. The bad news is “I believe that once you reach 40, you become the person you will end up being,” per the PA.

Which sounds totally lame now but there’s quite a kernel of truth there. I responded with a succinct, “Well, that sucks.”

Based on my bloodwork there’s nothing to indicate why I feel BLAH most days, and he didn’t think it was the other possibility, depression. “Do YOU think you’re depressed?”

Isn’t that a trick question? If I answer yes, doesn’t that make me sound like I’m just in it for the drugs and attention? If I answer no, does that mean I’m in denial? I answered with, “I have no idea.”

He asked if I cry. Well, yeah, I cry. Don’t we all? I told him I cried when I read about Leiby, the 8 year old killed in his zero-crime neighborhood. I told him I normally avoid the news because all that stuff makes me sad. The world just seems to be so pathetic. He asked what my husband thought? I said he thinks I am a bitch most days. I go from making pleasantries to a ‘roid-raged cunt in seconds because he didn’t rinse out the dish rag or pick up his socks. I told him that some days I can’t stand being around my son when he’s having a particularly crap ADHD day. Do I sleep at night, he also asked. I fall asleep instantly, but I’ll wake up 3-4 times a night tossing and turning.

Apparently that is all enough to make me fall under “Depression”. However, he hesitated putting that in my chart because he said that will haunt me and my insurance forever. Instead, he said he might just put insomnia. I guess I don’t know what he did eventually put on that sheet. *sigh*

For the “insomnia” (which I would never really consider that insomnia compared to some people I know who sleep 2, maybe 3, hours a night), he prescribed Ambien. For the “depression”, we’re starting with 20mg of Paxil. He gave me a script for 90 days but I’m to return in 30, sooner if necessary.

We wrapped up our exam by discussing my weight, which was my initial concern along with the exhaustion. As he held open the door for me to exit the room, he bluntly told me to quit obsessing about my weight. When I walked past him, he leaned towards me and whispered, “You are NOT fat.” I crushed on him just a bit right then and there.