The Little Mole Who Went In Search of Whodunnit *

Several weeks ago I posted a picture via my phone to Facebook with the caption, “Uh oh”. It was a picture of a mole. Not the blind, bald kind that eats worms, but the kind that if on the face tend to grow that ONE hair once you reach an age that I may or may not be.

But this mole is a few inches above the heel of my foot. I’ve had it forever, which leads me to a funny sidebar.

So the nurse in the dermatology clinic is getting my history. We had the following exchange:

What are we seeing you for today?

I have a mole that should be looked at.

Have you any medication allergies?

Yes, penicillin.

How long have you had it?

All my life.

She turns to look at me funny.

Oh! The mole? I thought you meant the allergy.

Alright. So that was way funnier in my head.

How about this following exchange:

I’m going to ask you a bunch of questions that are for old people.

(WTF?? I am not “old”!)

She proceeds to ask about pacemakers and joint replacements. I repress an urge to shout BINGO! but instead say:

I didn’t realize I’ve reached that age.

Oh, we ask all our patients. I just meant that they sound like questions for older people.

That wasn’t funny either, was it. I guess you had to be there.

If  you had been there, you would have seen her hunched over my leg with two days stubble and shooting it up with numbing medicine and then the doctor come in and shave the top of this stupid mole and scrape it off into a little specimen jar. You might have seen me try to flirt my way into a cheaper office visit as well, which I think I actually did. I was originally told that since I was self-pay that I would have to pay not only the office visit, but a portion of the pathology fee. However, after asking the doctor what he “could do for an uninsured and poor woman *eyelash batting*“, I noticed a funny little asterisk on my paperwork with just the office fee noted. I’ll let you know if I get another bill.

In two weeks I’ll get a phone call telling me it’s malignant. Or in three weeks I’ll get a letter telling me it’s nothing. So here’s to hoping you don’t see an update on this issue for at least three weeks.

* If you don’t have this children’s book, go out and get it RIGHT now. Seriously. Or give it as a gift to a friend. Especially a friend who still laughs at fart jokes.

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8 thoughts on “The Little Mole Who Went In Search of Whodunnit *”

  1. Firstly…YAY for you asking for the discount. I pisses me off that the doc I work for won’t give it to cash patients, yet insurance reimburses him about $39 bucks on a $180 charge. Why shouldn’t he at least split the difference–he would still make more than he would on an insurance patient annnndddd, If I had had the above conversation exchange with you, I would have gone out to the desk and discounted your fee just for making me laugh 🙂

    My scary thing did come back as cancer, but I am fine, with no recurrence. If he needs to remove more, tell him to clear the margins by, oh, about 3 inches. Hell, that’s what socks are for.

  2. I went to get something looked at once and, I shit you not, the doctor looked at it and said “oh yeh, that’s definitely cancer”

    It definitely was not. It was nothing. Hoping in 3 weeks you get the letter saying yours is nothing also.

  3. Mine was nothing and I hope yours is nothing, too. (I didn’t get the “scrape it off”, I got the “cut it out”. Maybe cause I had insurance? which could say something for the high cost of insurance I suppose.)

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