Documenting A Dream

I never posted pictures of my other embryos and after each cycle failed I would take the black and white glossy film off the hallowed surface of the fridge and throw it away.

I use to refer to them as “embies”. I don’t anymore and when I see someone refer to embies, I know that they have a bit of their soul still clean and shiny and unmarred by the soot of bitterness.

Not me.

At least I thought so.

But I can’t help but look at that picture and feel some hope. If I didn’t, would I have even bothered going through with it? Of course not.

I go through these tiny spurts of where I feel as if I’m Danny Noonan from Caddyshack and Ty is whispering, “Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball…” but instead of “ball”, my annoying optimistic self is saying, “Just be the pregnant lady, be the pregnant lady, be the pregnant lady…”

The best my pessimistic self can do is replace “lady” with “bitch”, just so I don’t start the well known crazy daydreaming antics of farting butterflies while being followed through a field of wildflowers by a heard of bunnies sniffing wondrously at my ass.

I also talk myself out of feeling good about this by remembering we did use Mr. DD’s sperm. His highly fragmented sperm. Plus I was in prep for this cycle for what I think is an inordinate amount of time. We all know what happens to a nice flaky pastry that’s been sitting in the window display case well past it’s prime, don’t we?

I refuse to discuss the “what ifs” with Mr. DD for fear of jinxing it even though I would love nothing more than to cuddle up to him at night and make jokes about how old we’ll be when the baby goes to Kindergarten; or how XBoy will act; or how our families will be so surprised.

These are simple little thoughts that go well beyond picking out baby names and nursery furniture. Those are necessities and material items that don’t even cross my mind. It’s the dreams and potential that are the hardest to not just let in, but to let go of. And yet somehow, the intangible has been caught, and presented to me on a bit of paper that fits nicely into my pocketbook to pull out and stare and dare I say, dream of?

donore.jpg

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23 thoughts on “Documenting A Dream”

  1. Hi- I’m sorry I’ve been so out of touch. THe move has consumed me and we’re only now getting sort of Internet access. I’m so glad you had 3 to transfer. I hope at least one becomes Real-Live Baby. I’ve got everything crossed for you my friend!

  2. They seem to look pretty perfect to me, but then I am not an Embryologist, I just play one on the internet. 😉 I am waiting for the butterfly farts and bunnies up your ass pictures. (sorry I couldn’t resist) Like DinoD said, get your ass over to the dark side already. Ok, she didn’t quite use those words but you know what she meant.

  3. Definitey some nice looking embryos! I hope that you do get to fart butterflies and have bunnies raving about the smell of your nether regions. It is SO your turn!!!

  4. Oh geez. Suz just made me cry.

    Those are some gorgeous little embies (ha, you thought I was too bitter for that, didn’t you?). Hoping and wishing and waiting.

  5. They’re really beautiful. To this day, George doesn’t particularly care whether he has pictures of the babies in his wallet (I have to remind him before he goes on a business trip), but the picture of the embryos is tucked inside as it was the day the doctor handed it to us.

  6. These photos are really really cool.

    And hey about that fragmented sperm—-I’ve heard from more than one person how the sperm can improve. I’m not convinced it’s static. So what if it was fragmented a long time ago, I’m thinking it could work quite nicely, thanks!

  7. My photos always stay in my purse or wallet too! Yours look beautiful! And brave you for posting them. I have always thought that visualizing (yeah, a little corny) them implanting and growing has helped me. I’m thinking about you!
    Karen

  8. Let me remind you that the “highly fragmented sp.” you speak of fosterd 100% fertilization of these beautiful cell blobs. Even perfect sperm does not usually do that.

    Your line, “It’s the dreams and potential that are the hardest to not just let in, but to let go of” resonates with me very much. There are some things in life that I assumed were absolutes. I did not think being a perfect parent would be, but the ability to do so was. I guess I knew parenthood will be a challenge, but I was not aware that jsut getting there would almost put me over the edge.

    Also, even though we are incredibly excited about adopting, my internal psyche has not adjusted and I feel a sense of sadness when I still have sleep dreams where my child is present and they are a caucasian child. My child will not be caucasian and I am fine with that, but how come my sleep dreams can not let that go and start to incorporate my child that will be? I think you statement sums it up nicely. It will take a while to reprogram what you were not aware of being implanted in the first place.

    Sorry for the slightly of topic rant….your cell blobs are very gorgeous!

  9. I’m going to go fart some butterflies now, but those embryos look about perfect. I’m with Summer did you get them by google 🙂 Hang in there. Know we’re thinking of you and sending positive thoughts, prayers, and well hell anything else I can think of.

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